Wiki:
Page name: Elfpack Daily Poem Submissions 5 [Logged in view] [RSS]
2008-01-12 21:03:10
Last author: Bookwyrm
Owner: Bookwyrm
# of watchers: 52
Fans: 0
D20: 11
Bookmark and Share
<img:stuff/EPDP_banner.jpg>

Elfpack Daily Poem Submissions 5

SUBMAIN
SUBBADGE

[xxArwenxx]
Will we ever learn?

Subtle blade's disaster
Cruel deceitful masters,
Nations at the mercy,
World inflicting cruelty,
Organized slaughters,
Murder by world orders,
Rich infecting poor,
Poison’s in the cure,
Nature hath no word,
Greed consumes the world,
People in a cold war,
No peace can ever be pure,
Bullets of voice and lead,
Innocent now lay dead,
People not concerned,
Will we ever learn?




[Lanie the cookie]
Forever

the prodding pain that's in my head
sounds like the sound of you heart
I can feel the pain everywhere
it seems like your everywhere always there never to leave you're haunting me forever
put together by faith thrown apart by love
why have we been put together on this world on this lonely earth
we now shall be together forever
to live together
to die together
to be forever together.




[Lycanthrope Heart]
Most Things

Most things have a beginning,
Like life,
It is begun by star drowned lovers,
Like hate,
They are engulfed by their feelings for each other,
Like water,
It flows unstoppable to it's un-timed end,
Like most things.




[shadow_angel]
Forever Midnight...

Midnight
And thoughts of you Are haunting me,
I see your face Etched in memory --
You are gone. Still, the midnight hour
Finds me wide awake, Living over once again
The time we had Together.
You were not By any means
My first love; Although you
Probably Will be my last.
I ache for your embrace, To see your smile
And your eyes -- How they twinkled
When you were Teasing me;
You knew All the buttons to push
To bring me to the Brink
Of self-destruction. So totally lost in you,
I was no equal. I will never
Stop loving you; As long as there is
Midnight; And memory
Brings you back.




[gaither babe]
Thoughts

New feelings come to me,
and now I finally see,
how cruel you can truly be.
Once you were here,
I began to fear,
everything that I hear.
All the words you've said,
Run around my empty head.
And now I wish you were dead.
Your hurt me and you lied...
And I died a little inside.
Even now I wonder why.
How could you?
Why would you?
Is it true?
Do you hate me?
I found the truth when I heard it from you.
But how can such a thing be true.
All of this is so new.
And now I hate you too.




[Monni]
Monni needs to put a title here

You said you loved me,
instead you lied.
You said you'd kiss me,
you never tried.
I gave you my heart,
you gave it away.
I thought you were different,
I thought you would stay.
I guess i was wrong,
you are not for me.
Obviously we're not meant to be.

You left me in the blue,
you promised forever true.
I guess that was a lie too.
You told me that you cared.
I thought you'd always be there,
what went wrong?
I will never know,
what went wrong between us.
It hurts me so bad,
to see you go.

You said you loved me,
instead you lied.
You said you'd kiss me,
you never tried.
You said you'd hug me,
instead you made me cry.




[jam]
suicide of the self

slit my wrist and let it bleed.
let it be the end of it in me.
its time for self-suicide.
this isn't normal suicide.
this isn't the death of the body.
its the death of me, and i ain't sorry.
we hit the peak,
and i kill what makes me weak.
what's left will still be me,
only now i will finally be free.




[iCh3wi]
The Pieces on the Floor

I look in on myself,
And all I see is sorrow.
Pieces of me lie on the floor,
And people are starring down at me,
From the photo's on the wall.

And still I wonder what went wrong?
Why did I choose this life?
Why not another?

For no one truly understands me.
They don't understand my style,
Feelings, or my idea of life.

And after all this,
The pieces are picked up,
And put back on the shelf.

Waiting,
Just waiting...
For another time to fall.




[Track Girl]
Fallen

Cursed upon the dawn of time.
A punishment for our crime.

Hatred swells from deep within.
Our hearts become cold and thin.

Day to day, from life to life.
Living off of pain and strife

Long ago was made a choice,
From the deceits of his voice.

To the heaven's we've brought shame.
And they to us have proclaimed,

That we the angels must fall.




[Roser]
Heaven's Cry

No matter what I do
No matter what I say
I know nothing can take away
Take away the pain
The pain you're feeling now
Anyway I hope somehow
That you've noticed the rain
The rain which set in today
I believe it's God's way
God's way to tell to you
You're not alone
Not alone in this
Heaven's crying too.

- written December 17th 2004




[_dilandau_]
The Emerald of My Eye

The woods are a magical realm.
The swaying of the enigmatic elms,
the peaceful motion is kind.
The forest has nothing else in mind.

The sweet song of the trees,
and the buzzing of the bees.
The forest guardian towers over all.
Many trees stand proud and tall.

Going around the thorny thistles,
The woeful wind whistles.
Sun, reveal your face!
Show us your warm embrace.

The silent symphonious rhythm,
your heart will tell you what's hidden.
Glorious, green grass envelopes the ground.
Wild, free, the plants go abound.

The beautiful emerald of my eye,
the forest, its deep depths without lies.
The rustling of the leaves,
Emanates what you perceive.




[D for David]
The Girl

She sits in the cold
Alone crying trembling
She can’t stop shaking
Jerking yelling wondering
She was cast to the side
Un-wanted un-loved un-worthy
She can never be happy
No matter what
She must always be alone
What is it?
A spell? A curse? Just her?
She will dream forever
Seeing what she could have been
Happy loved special not alone
Her boyfriend? He cheated on her and broke her heart
Her friends? What friends? The ones who lied and betrayed her?
Or the ones that deprived her of everything
She is me!




[the squeegee]
Memory.

My eyes have closed,
they've shut the world out.
Now I can't even see your face
I can only remember
how it felt
to reach out and touch your cheek
to revel in you sweet kiss,
its all just a memory
a moment from the past.
A time when I could breathe
and not be too frightened to speak.
All thats left
is your picture in my mind
nothing too special
just your mark in life.




[gaither babe]
Unexpected Responsibility

New things in life occur,
when in shock your stuck,
a new duty has arisen.
Never experience the joys of life,
when working until the end of night.
Unexpected responsibility's!
They're those little jobs that nag and pick at you until there's nothing left... Until your ready to slash your own throat. Until your ready to jump off the tallest building on earth. Until you are ready to go texas chainsaw massacre on every living thing on earth! Those are UNEXPECTED RESPONSIBILITIES!!!




[Vëaneron]
Special care...

Sitting here all alone,
I don't know why...
Thinking about my future and our love,
And maybe start to cry.

I think I love you too much,
But sometimes I can't find my heart.
I need you to talk with me,
Please don't put me apart.

Someone is taking you away from me,
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I'll just have to wait and see.
Cause I have a special care for you...

<img:stuff/aj/28425/book_blue_div.png>

Go or Return to:

<img:stuff/aj/28425/book_blue_blob.png>Elfpack Daily Poem
<img:stuff/aj/28425/book_blue_blob.png>Elfpack Daily Poem Rules
<img:stuff/aj/28425/book_blue_blob.png>Poem Bosses
<img:stuff/aj/28425/book_blue_blob.png>Elfpack Daily Poem Submissions

Featured:
<img:stuff/aj/28425/book_blue_blob.png>Poets
<img:stuff/aj/28425/book_blue_blob.png>Elfpack's Featured Daily Poems
<img:stuff/aj/28425/book_blue_blob.png>Elfpack's Featured Daily Poems 2
<img:stuff/aj/28425/book_blue_blob.png>Elfpack's Featured Daily Poems 3
<img:stuff/aj/28425/book_blue_blob.png>Elfpack's Featured Daily Poems 4
<img:stuff/aj/28425/book_blue_blob.png>Elfpack's Featured Daily Poems 5

Username (or number or email):

Password:

Login problems?

2006-02-08 [eyes of frost]: Lol..I didn't poke you in the eye....

2006-02-08 [Kaze]: O__O  <.<;;; Now I'm afraid..

2006-02-08 [~Cerys~Cymraeg~]: Lmfao

2006-02-08 [eyes of frost]: Lol. I poked you in the gut...

2006-02-08 [~Cerys~Cymraeg~]: heh I'm scared >.>

2006-02-08 [eyes of frost]: ....Please..I am harmless

2006-02-08 [~Cerys~Cymraeg~]: i am harmful :D

2006-02-08 [eyes of frost]: -Tackles- Really? Are you truly harmful if your pinned down? Muahaha...

2006-02-08 [~Cerys~Cymraeg~]: *throws yuu off* im a pro kickboxer :D

2006-02-08 [eyes of frost]: Well, do you think that goes well with Kung-Fu?

2006-02-08 [~Cerys~Cymraeg~]: XD let us shee ^_^

2006-02-08 [eyes of frost]: Ack! -Runs- If I wasn't scared of women I sure would! :)

2006-02-08 [~Cerys~Cymraeg~]: XD Be afraid...be VERY VERY afraid, for i am not thy average woman...I am in fact...Welsh!! XD

2006-02-08 [eyes of frost]: ....And that is supposed to make a difference? You are still a woman...

2006-02-08 [Lyon Armonial the healer]: welsh is nothing compared to pagan!

2006-02-08 [eyes of frost]: -Hides behind Kyle- Muahaha....

2006-02-08 [Lyon Armonial the healer]: behold the pagan one!

2006-02-08 [eyes of frost]: Lol...

2006-02-08 [Lyon Armonial the healer]: are you laughing at me...dear?!?!

2006-02-08 [eyes of frost]: HEY NOW!!! Watch that!

2006-02-08 [Lyon Armonial the healer]: what...DEAR?

2006-02-08 [eyes of frost]: -Tackles him- Stop saying that!! GAH!

2006-02-08 [Lyon Armonial the healer]: *ooph!* yes dear

2006-02-08 [eyes of frost]: STOP IT! -Pokes him in the forehead-

2006-02-08 [Allen Barrec]: o.O you people are scary lol :P

2006-02-08 [eyes of frost]: No....he is just pure evil...

2006-02-08 [Kaze]: ...and my eye still hurts.

2006-02-08 [Lyon Armonial the healer]: no i am not!

2006-02-08 [~Cerys~Cymraeg~]: Him? pure evil? *laughs* he couldnt hurt a fly >.>

2006-02-08 [eyes of frost]: ....I NEVER POKED YOUR EYE!!!!!

2006-02-08 [~Cerys~Cymraeg~]: lmfao

2006-02-08 [eyes of frost]: Crap....

2006-02-08 [~Cerys~Cymraeg~]: whats wrong hunneh?

2006-02-08 [eyes of frost]: I never poked her eye!

2006-02-08 [~Cerys~Cymraeg~]: lmfao calm down dear ^_^

2006-02-08 [eyes of frost]: GAH! Please don't all me dear...

2006-02-08 [~Cerys~Cymraeg~]: mreh

2006-02-08 [eyes of frost]: ....it's just...one of those things that I hate being called....

2006-02-08 [~Cerys~Cymraeg~]: XD

2006-02-08 [eyes of frost]: Just like...I hate being called darling...

2006-02-08 [Kaze]: I'm not a her. v__v

2006-02-08 [eyes of frost]: His* Sorry..not with it today....-hides from getting glomped-

2006-02-08 [Kaze]: v__v() S'okay, I get it a lot.

2006-02-08 [eyes of frost]: No really...I am sorry!

2006-02-08 [Kaze]: Its funny half the time though, like picking a pizza up througha drive through "Hello Ma'a... uh... hmm.. sir!"

2006-02-08 [eyes of frost]: Well no..me I am just having a bad day...like the day I called [Firenze] and guy....and shes definalty not a guy....

2006-02-08 [Kaze]: n.n;; I did that once too.

2006-02-08 [eyes of frost]: Well...she didn't kill me and I am happy about that...so now I stalk her...muahahaha...

2006-02-09 [Lyon Armonial the healer]: oh relax darling

2006-02-09 [eyes of frost]: .....So he calls me another name I am not partial to...-she sighs and sits down trying to ignore him-

2006-02-09 [Kaze]: I will call you..... Whonk. =D                   Hi Whonk!

2006-02-09 [~Cerys~Cymraeg~]: XD lmfao

2006-02-09 [Kaze]: Hey, no need for you to pipe up, .....*thinks* .....Shiggity.

2006-02-09 [~Cerys~Cymraeg~]: O_O;; actually I quite like that n.n

2006-02-09 [Kaze]: Good thing you do, Shiggity.

2006-02-09 [~Cerys~Cymraeg~]: no problema penrwdan :D

2006-02-09 [Kaze]: o__o I can pronounce that. And my name has already been given to me. Its Squish. :3

2006-02-09 [~Cerys~Cymraeg~]: :D then its settled then XD my name was better though >.> Squsih is cooler than shiggity :(

2006-02-09 [Kaze]: Well, my FULL name, is "Johnneh Squish.x" Dot Ehx!

2006-02-09 [~Cerys~Cymraeg~]: OMG!!! *ish so jealous*

2006-02-09 [Kaze]: Ask teh Caz, she can give you a name. But she'd probably want you to adopt a pie.

2006-02-09 [~Cerys~Cymraeg~]: oh can it bee cheese and potato pie? I <3 that more than i love milk O_O;

2006-02-09 [Kaze]: ASK teh CAZ! o__o

2006-02-09 [~Cerys~Cymraeg~]: i did, and i adopted a pie ^_^%

2006-02-09 [Kaze]: I talked to him a bit, but watch out, he's after your riches.

2006-02-09 [Lyon Armonial the healer]: who???

2006-02-09 [~Cerys~Cymraeg~]: Crusty? XD

2006-02-20 [Monster Master]: meooow!

2006-02-21 [your enigma]: lol i suk

2006-02-21 [~Cerys~Cymraeg~]: no thou dont! they rox ^_^

2006-02-21 [Monster Master]: You don't suck, it sounds good ^^

2006-02-23 [Lyon Armonial the healer]: your too pessimistic!

2006-02-23 [Kaze]: Whether the glass is half empty, or half full is irrelevant. Either way, I still didn't get the cheese burger I ordered.

2006-02-23 [~Cerys~Cymraeg~]: XD we love cheeseburgers

2006-02-23 [Kaze]: But the cheeseburgers don't love you. o__o

2006-02-23 [~Cerys~Cymraeg~]: O_O; *sobs*

2006-02-23 [Lyon Armonial the healer]: SLIDERS!!!! mmmm...*farts* gots to love those sliders

2006-02-26 [Monster Master]: My poem was inspired by Korn! :D

2006-02-27 [Lyon Armonial the healer]: sweet...except for the day after in the bathroom...kernels!! ahh!!!!

2006-03-04 [Monster Master]: 0.0 oh lord.

2006-03-06 [Lyon Armonial the healer]: i had to

2006-03-13 [Lyon Armonial the healer]: yay! i'm up there now!!! WOOT! thanks guys....i posted another for you guys to read. comments are always welcomed.

2006-03-16 [your enigma]: how come im the only one wit a haiku???

2006-03-16 [Kaze]: Because no one else dares be that cool..? Want me to submit a haiku to make you feel better...?

2006-03-17 [your enigma]: ya

2006-03-17 [Kaze]: There, feel better. o__o

2006-04-06 [Monster Master]: haikus are hard for me to make... o.o;;; i suck at it.

2006-04-06 [Kaze]: Then don't try so hard?

2006-04-10 [Kaze]: Wow. The power of God, couldn't of granted you the ability to understand, oh.. say.. rules of formatting... not cutting out someone else's name from their work... or even making a difference between poetry and prose... good to know, though; I'll remember that next time I start talking to myself.

2006-05-15 [Lyon Armonial the healer]: umm...power of god??!?! *laughs*

2006-06-07 [Dark Paladin]: where would i submit my poem

2006-06-07 [Kaze]: At the very bottom of this page, press the edit button, and submit it (bearing in mind the rules of submission of course)

2006-06-07 [gods2armys]: #--(::V_V::)--#

2006-06-13 [Dark Paladin]: ohhh goody goody

2006-06-20 [viking prince]: any comments about my poem anyone? and constructive criticism?

2006-06-20 [Pandora♥xcore]: It's good ^^

2006-06-23 [Dark Paladin]: I agree, it's very good.

2006-06-23 [gods2armys]: hey i want to see wat anyone here thanks of mine plz go ahead and read em and tell me wat you think and yes you could even say they suck but i did my best. and none of my poems have ever touched pen and paper all on here only

2006-06-23 [Kaze]: Constructive criticism time..? 1.)The spelling is bad.  2.)You use words that don't exist 3.) It has no format, nor schematic, making BARELY acceptable as poetry, if at all (It would probably be more classified as prose than nothing else, possibly even short story) 4.) It is very unorganized 5.) I'm assuming you're using parenthesis instead of quotation marks, which is a no-no. 6.) You didn't follow the rules of submission for even putting it up there in the first place, I think you cut into [Five Fatal Flaws]'s poem 7.) Nothing seems capitalized at all... I stand corrected, either no capitalization, or all capitalization, nothing in between. -------- Final Opinion: 1.5 out of 10.0

2006-06-23 [Allen Barrec]: Hey, I want to apologize for our continued absence. Ducky has vanished, and real life is getting the best of me (that and not having access to internet). This is just insane, but I really am very very sorry. : (

2006-06-23 [Kaze]: Hey, its given me a chance at least to write something of actual substance.. then I can post my 15 part giga-rant-poem-music-song-doodle. :3

2006-06-24 [Dark Paladin]: So...what do ya'lls think of mine?

2006-06-25 [This User is No Longer Available]: Your arms reach ouch

2006-06-25 [Dark Paladin]: Meaning...???

2006-06-26 [This User is No Longer Available]: That's what I'm wondering... read your second line.

2006-06-26 [Kaze]: To: [Dark Paladin] No rhythm, nor structure/base, nothing rhymes (albeit that is not always a prerequisite for poetry, but in the style used with matching stanza's, its typically highly suggested) No punctuation at all (which again, is a stylized preference, but with your choice, it would be highly recommended), some beginner usage of metaphors, keep working at it..! =D

2006-06-26 [This User is No Longer Available]: Hmm...someone knows what they're talking about. Anything you have to say about mine? (I know it doesn't rhyme, this one's old)

2006-06-26 [Kaze]: Heh... I'm just giving my opinions, I never said I know positively what I'm talking about. But here goes: a definite beginning and end, complete with rising action and climax, the story was told well, and in an easy to understand format. It had no true rhyme pattern, but that doesn't mark it down in the least. It isn't written in a manner of my preference, because I try to keep the usage of pronouns to a minimum. but it keeps flow very well, and didn't deviate from the main theme, which is what's most important when writing anything. ---------- Final Opinion: 7.5 out of 10.0

2006-06-27 [Dark Paladin]: But you're missing the whole point. A poem isn't supposed to always rhyme. I'm just curious, but you shouldn't be criticizing me if you don't even know what a peom is. Puntuation doesn't matter, at least no ending punctuation. Words are not supposed to always rhyme. Did Emily Dickinson's, no. Did Lamont's, no. Not all poetry is supposed to rhyme. No, they don't know what they're talking about. At least not entirely. I appreciate it, but I've been given better criticism by better poets.

2006-06-27 [This User is No Longer Available]: However, spelling usually does matter.

2006-06-27 [Dark Paladin]: And I didn't spell anything wrong.

2006-06-27 [Kaze]: You asked what I thought, and I gave it to you. And I specifically said "it is not a prerequisite" which I suppose I will now explicitly say "rhyming is not imperative for poetry" ... how about "A rhyme scheme is not mandatory", however with the stanza formatting you used, a rhyme scheme is typical. And I did not attack you, I didn't say you were bad at writing, I gave you an opinion (that you asked for mind you). Next time, I will remember when you want an opinion, you actually are simply looking for a compliment. If that's what you wanted, you could of just asked.

2006-06-27 [gods2armys]: damn i sucj that bad. hey well at least you got to admit that some of them are very nice poems right. alot of my friends love em lots. like the one called the lost love or the just us two or any of my finest :P lol if you wanna see all of mine go to my page .

2006-06-27 [Kaze]: ...also, you may not have spelled "ouch" incorrectly, I don't know how a person can "reach ouch" or is that to be a metaphor that I didn't notice..?

2006-06-27 [Machine Says Yes]: Geez.. if you people ask for someone's opinion and then don't expect any sort of criticism, constructive or otherwise, you're messed up in the head. You ask for opinions, someone gives them to you, and then you whine as little immature five year olds who've not gotten their way seem to do. Why would you even ask in the first place if you weren't expecting personal opinions? Other than for the obvious intention of fishing for compliments to placate your egos..

2006-06-28 [Dark Paladin]: No Kaze, I wasn't simply looking for a compliment. I must have miss read what you were saying because I completely missed the "it is not a prerequisite" part. I apologize for jumping down your neck about that. Oh wow, I did spell "out" wrong. How in the world did I do that?

2006-06-28 [Kaze]: [gods2armys] Indeed, your other poems on there I think are better than the one you posted here, but you might consider formatting instead of just writing a line and pressing the return key. Part of poetry is structure, aka: the way it looks on the page. Think of it like food at fancy restaurants, they arrange it in a way that makes it look like it tastes exceptional, but after you get past the pure cosmetics of it, its no different from anywhere else. Point being: sometimes, prettiness counts. :3

2006-06-28 [Kaze]: [Dark Paladin] Here: I'll be fair, I'll post a thusfar unfinished work, and you give me your opinion on it, mkay..?

2006-06-29 [Dark Paladin]: Kaze, that is not necessary. I jumped to conclusions before I had even finished reading your reply. That won't be necessary.

2006-07-08 [viking prince]: good poem dark paladin   what does anyone think of mine? ill put more up if u liked it

2006-07-10 [Dark Paladin]: Thank you [viking prince]. I appreciate it. That is a good poem. I liked it. I have submitted another one. Please tell me what you think.

2006-07-10 [Kaze]: Do you want my opinion..? I'll ask ahead of time so you won't get pissed at me actually giving an ACTUAL opinion beyond "oh that's good" or "man, u suck, lololol"

2006-07-10 [viking prince]: no no  anything is encouragement  even if its bad, as long as its constructive

2006-07-10 [viking prince]: and another good poem!

2006-07-10 [Kaze]: To: [viking prince], I continue re-reading it, and I see no resolution. It's ending is open ended, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but the open ending it leaves is the same as the exposition that presented the problem to start off with. But it's obvious that this wasn't just a scribble of words, you clearly put thought and heart into writing it, which is the bulk of all writing is, a portrait out of words. I myself would suggest either re-writing the last paragraph, or adding another paragraph at the end, because its feels like its an unfinished work. Like... something is still waiting to happen. Possibly bring to light the aspect of the darkness personified? Maybe even the -

2006-07-10 [Kaze]: reason why we are to be afraid of the chisel to start off with. And if you were trying to make the chisel into a metaphor, I would suggest capitolizing it as a proper noun, similar to how Christians do to "God". It generates an abstract thought into a tangible PHYSICAL being. Also the title "The chisel before me" Has very little to do with the bulk of what the poem was written about. As it seems to delve into more about the aspect of the chisel in other's lives, and your hopeful optomisticism on why the remainder of the world will not have to endure this. Maybe close with some advice?

2006-07-10 [Kaze]: And now.. for anyone who would like to take revenge on my criticism, its open season. See above entry submission. It is a work in progress, and has been for several months now. But feel free to flame away: Kharmageddon.

2006-07-13 [gods2armys]: tell me wat you all think of the new poem i just put in

2006-07-18 [Dark Paladin]: Yes Kaze, I want your opinion. And no I won't blow up at you this time.

2006-07-18 [Kaze]: To: [Dark Paladin] This would be the opposite end of that which I was referring to. This is a forced rhyme scheme, and once forced loses it's effective ness. This is an "AABB" poem, seeing as the last word of the first two lines rhyme, followed by the last word of the third and fourth lines rhyming and so on. But it continues on in that manner longer than typical. But that's just a gripe of mine, because I never did much care for those, and its a matter of preference. What I can say that it truly needs, is the ability to flow. Count the sylables in each line: 10-12-10-9-9-11-9-8-9-11-11-10-13-10-13-11-10-12-13-11-11-8-7-9-10, there are only 3 instances where they match.

2006-07-18 [Kaze]: I would say try to bring the gabs between sylabbles per line to as close as possible, or to have a function behind it. Not that they would have to be "10-10-10-10" but that they would match between iteration, like the mother section was 4 lines, followed by each other's which was two each. So it would come out something similar to "10-10-8-9" "8-9" "8-9" So as to have rhythmic flow inside of the rhyme scheme set up.  Also, let it be known that with this setup of stanza(s) it wouldn't be a vital to have a rhyme scheme, and doing so doesn't count for, or against it.

2006-07-19 [MonopolyGirl]: *a poem

2006-07-24 [.::The Latest Plague::.]: ok. My poem is called Dieing On the inside/My slow Decline. please read it and tell me what you think ><

2006-07-24 [Kaze]: Before I read this, let it be known: "Dieing" is actually spelled "Dying" "Crimsion" is Crimson, and "lonelyness" is loneliness*reads*

2006-07-24 [.::The Latest Plague::.]: thank you

2006-07-24 [.::The Latest Plague::.]: I don't know why i misspelled those word >< brain fart

2006-07-24 [Kaze]: I think the biggest thing that your poem needs is to pick a tense and stick with it. You keep writing in present perfect (an action happing now, and continuing on into the indefinite future) and merging it with the past (things that have started and have already ended in the past) "Muttering a single selfish wish - As I washed away the bloody streams" hence, is confusing and doesn't make complete sense. I'd say try proofreading it a few more times over, and you'd really have something.

2006-07-24 [.::The Latest Plague::.]: thank you

2006-07-24 [Kaze]: See, -ing words are present perfect, they occur now, and contiue on into an unspecified time, as opposed to future perfect, which would be something that hasn't happened yet, but will continue happening later (ex: "we are going" as opposed to "we will be going") see what I mean..? I read it, and I keep wondering when happened when. I'm assuming its written from a chronological standpoint, so that time is moving forward linearly, but then it seems to drop back into the past, then to the past perfect, to present perfect, and back into past. My suggestion for the above snippet would be "Muttering a single selfish wish - As I wash away these bloody streams"

2006-07-27 [.::The Latest Plague::.]: ^^

2006-08-03 [gods2armys]: [Kaze] have you by chance gotten the time to read my new one up here called (told storys of an eye glass) and if not plz go up and read it. i wanna know what you think

2006-08-03 [Kaze]: [gods2armys] I hadn't read it before, but now that I DO read it, ....honestly? It probably breaks every rule that the English language has. 1.) Punctuation on incomplete thoughts, 2.) 10% of the words are misspelled, 3.)NOTHING is capitolized., 4.)Syntax is strange to the point at which it doesn't make enough sense for a story line, 5.)You keep switching temporally, 6.)I can't even follow it due to the fact that I can't place any given occurance a spot on the pyramid for the sequence of events. In my opinion, its like the Seinfeld of 'poetry': its a bunch of words.. but ... none of them GO anywhere, or DO anything..?

2006-08-03 [gods2armys]: if you are a true poet my friend you will know that all poetry doesnt half to mean anything at all. for one have you watched the movie called devinci code theirs alot of things in their that is poetry and allso alot of missterious stuff in their. lol my friend. i know my grammer and spelling and sequince is all screwed up. but i ment the story part of it. and as far as i go. their are no rules to poetry. its all ones own thought process i have many friends who would back me up on this one.

2006-08-03 [gods2armys]: all poetry is. is a emotion comeing out of its shell or how we think, and what we feel in and around us, and last what we wanna come about things. alot of my storys are my feelings

2006-08-03 [Kaze]: Ahh, alright then, if I were just basing it off of the story versus the poem as a whole is slightly different. To me, personally, poetry is divided among two parts, content, and delivery. Cosmetics, rhyme scheme, flow, rhythm, that is HALF the battle of a poem, of which, you have indeed a true story, but... really.. I can't figure out what it is.

2006-08-03 [Kaze]: I don't mean to start arguements, I trust you know that, but.. well.. you asked my opinion, and there it is. To me, I can see you put a considerable amount of thought in it, but its hard for me to read it to the point at which it all but turns into one giant sentence and I keep not being able to understand it. As much as poetry would be considered an expression of ones feelings, of ones emotions tell me: How well can you express your feelings, if nobody else can understand your point?

2006-08-03 [Kaze]: If you would like, I could attempt to re-write it for you. Its only an offer mind you.

2006-08-04 [gods2armys]: lol its a good offer but my feeling and emotions in real life are already hard to understand. i never told you that i was the same as a normal person i have a different way of thinking. thats why its so hard most time to understand my work.

2006-08-04 [crushed]: lol even if this is my first comment on here i am amused. both you [Kaze] and [gods2armys] have good points. yes most poetry is rhymy, cosmetics, scheme and rhythm. but its not the only thing to poetry, it doesnt matter if a person understands the poem just that it was written. probably nobody understood my poem and i am supprised that it wasnt commented on. its not a story and not a standard poem either. its just pure emotion. if it makes sence to the writer then what does it matter that readers cant figure it out. no poem is truely understood by the public, only the writers know what goes into their poems and what they truely mean. thats all...

2006-08-04 [Kaze]: I understand that what I mentioned aren't the only aspects of poetry, I just tend to give my opinion when its asked for. ... so if you wanted me to comment on yours I will, so long as you actually ask me to. Everything I state is simply my opinion, nothing more.

2006-08-04 [crushed]: and like i said your opinion is valid. i have no argument with it. to each their own, and if you wish to comment on my poem then go right ahead, it makes little difference to me because it wont change my poetry. and besides this is the only poem i will post. the rest of my books will not be disclosed until my death for they are very very very personal. but like i said go ahead and comment on it. i will talk back to you when i can

2006-08-04 [gods2armys]: see we do make alot of since. i mean i think of poetry as emotion you think of it as knolwedge. well togother that makes a great poem. [Kaze] we do have great ideas. and oppinions.^_^

2006-08-14 [Monster Master]: wow... guys.... i don't even want to ask what you think of mine..
lol, it's a joke.

2006-08-14 [viking prince]: no i think its cool

2006-08-14 [Monster Master]: thanks! i think yours i cool too. ^_^

2006-08-14 [viking prince]: thanx  

2006-08-19 [gods2armys]: yep i like it ALLSO WELL PUT ^_^

2006-08-22 [Vintage FM]: Well, then, what does everyone think of my poem?

2006-09-05 [Kaze]: So... it doesn't seem like anyone cares for this page anymore. Welp... nuts to this.

2006-09-05 [gods2armys]: nope my friend dont worry i come around here regulary :P

2006-09-05 [Kaze]: I mean as far as moderating it goes..

2006-09-05 [crushed]: i havent been here for a long time...........so kaze this time i will as you, what do you think of my poem? you and answer that as well gods2armys

2006-09-05 [Kaze]: [crushed]: 1.)Learn to spell, if you can't, invest in spell check if you want to be taken seriously. 2.)Learn to capitalize, spell check can help you with this too, if you're too lazy. For wanting to spill your soul as deeply as you seem to want to, you seem to be doing quite a shoddy job of it, due to very basic mistakes. This would be Prose, as Poetry has some sort of schematic that is to be followed, and this has none. No rhyming theme, no underlaying message, just straightforward "What you read is what you get". So there is no thought provoking quality in it. Prose it is, poetry it is not. 2.5 of 10.

2006-09-05 [crushed]: well atleast your honest with your feedback, and well your opinion is your own. if you dont like it then dont read it

2006-09-06 [gods2armys]: ill read it and give my oppinon once i find out where its hiding :P lol i have many more if you would like to read them [crushed] go here

2006-09-06 [gods2armys]: my love poems if you like read these these have every single poem i have ever written and i would like you and [Kaze] to both look at them and tell me what one would be your faves plz ^_^.

2006-09-06 [Kaze]: I mean... I don't mean to be harsh, you just asked my opinion, and I gave it to you, I really mean no ill will. ... And [gods2armys] I'd been there before... I really don't have a 'favorite' ..

2006-09-06 [gods2armys]: do you at least like any of them [Kaze] ?

2006-09-06 [Kaze]: er... *goes through it again to double check* 'fraid not. Sorry.. I just CAN'T like something that is to be an expression of ones self when they're not written properly. I know you've put a very high amount of time, and effort into writing it, that much is certain, but I just can't find any meaning in it. Imagine reading your own words EXACTLY as their written on the page in front of a poetry convention, and you'd be laughed off, or nobody would say anything. "ppl" isn't a word, I see that on the page, and I think that everything writting, was done so for a reason, so I read it as "pepple" wonder what you're talking about, realizing for some strange reason you abbreviated a six letter word down to three letters for no real reason, then dismiss the thing as an entirety. I just can't take it seriously.

2006-09-06 [gods2armys]: welll ok i uderstand. but still i know alot of people that likes hem and lol [Kaze] you spelled people with a pepple LOL it needs fixed :P

2006-09-06 [Kaze]: No... I wrote it that way on purpose, hence the quotation marks around it. That is how I interpret reading the word "ppl" as "pepple" not as "people". It was supposed to be an example as to why you shouldn't cut corners when working with words as an art facet.

2006-09-07 [gods2armys]: poetry isnt my art its my time well wasted lol my art is my pottery allmost the same set of letters but same concept. i love doing pottery it is my dream i can make and shape the world in my hands. thats my art poetry is somthing i dont take much time in doing becouse i could always take my time away from my pottery but that will only damper my talent for pottery :(. if you wanna see some of my art stuff go brows my page all the sun and scenery pics and that giant hand and what not thats my art lol poetry is somthing for me to pass the time :P

2006-09-09 [Vintage FM]: Is anyone going to say anything about my poem?

2006-09-09 [gods2armys]: yep its cool :P, whats it about again :P

2006-09-16 [Raiyr]: Oh my, this page is quite large... Don't you think it's time to make a Elfpack Daily Poem Submissions 6?

2006-09-16 [Raiyr]: Okay... so the page has already been made, it just can't be editted without [Adorable Ducky]'s permission. God... where'd everyone go? ._.

2006-09-16 [gods2armys]: im here

2006-09-18 [Kaze]: Like I said... nobody's watching this page to moderate it. So.. nuts to this.

2006-09-18 [gods2armys]: damn your right F***

2006-09-19 [Monster Master]: XD

2006-11-21 [Lyon Armonial the healer]: geez....way too big of A page!!!!

2007-01-18 [Im a toaster struddle]: Hey guys tell me what you think. I dont really care, Id just like some opinions :)

2007-01-26 [Im a toaster struddle]: comments comments,im all about getting comments lol

2007-02-01 [Cheese Louise]: Amanda Stanley
*Constantly Forgiving*
Time and time again,
you keep lying to me,
I forgive you,
You make it all better,
Soon later,
I'm constantly forgiving.

I just found out,
the summer you lied,
you were talking to her,
this time is different,
you went behind my back,
you didnt tell me a thing,
you lie so much,
This time I'm not going to be,
Constantly forgiving.

2007-02-02 [Lyon Armonial the healer]: if you want to post it, it goes up before the comments...

2007-03-28 [Bookwyrm]: Moved the last poem up above the bottom link. Please keep all poems above the link back. :D

2007-04-28 [dragonus]: ok may not be one of my best poem's but I write what i feel and that is how I feel rite now lol

2007-05-01 [Air-inn]: [Bookwyrm] I want to submit a poem, but the page is too full..Should I put it there any way or not?

Erin

2007-05-01 [Bookwyrm]: It says it's too full, but you can add it. I'll talk with some of the others to see when we should make a new page, but go ahead and add your poem. :)

2007-05-02 [Air-inn]: woohoo thanks

2007-05-03 [Bookwyrm]: No problem! ^_^

2007-05-22 [Alizebell]: just a small question
When is the new page going to be approved

2007-05-23 [Bookwyrm]: I'm not certain. Give me a bit of time. If you'd like to add a new poem, feel free. The wiki says the page is getting too big, but it's been saying that at least 20 poems ago. We'll put up a new page when we're ready. ^_^ Continue to use this one until a new one is added. ^_^

2007-05-28 [Alizebell]: okay thank you

2007-05-30 [Bookwyrm]: The new page Elfpack Daily Poem Submissions 6 may now be used. Please use it now. ^_^

2007-05-30 [Alizebell]: thats good

2007-06-01 [Nytefox]: ...So... we can use this other page now?

2007-06-01 [Bookwyrm]: Yes, you can use the other page now, like I just said. And I fixed the link to it from here.

Number of comments: 291
Older comments: (Last 200)

200 older comments
(0, 0-15):

Show these comments on your site

News about Elfpack
Help - How does Elfpack work?